From our Broken Hearts…Again

Or…The Post I Always Hoped I Never Had to Write.

It’s happened again and there’s no other way to say it.

We have another baby in the stars.

I can’t even bring myself to say “we lost our baby” because our baby is not lost. We didn’t misplace the baby. Or forget to bring the baby along. We did everything in our power to keep this baby, to help this baby grow healthy and strong. It wasn’t enough.

The hurt is so deep now. It feels a part of my bones.

I have spent the past six weeks in a state of stress and anxiety. Blood draws and ultrasounds and supplements and acupuncture. Multiple appointments every week. None of it was enough.

Suffering through terrible nausea, anemic exhaustion and sore breasts I became this Pessimistic Worrier, someone my normally-optimistic-self detests. But it felt so wrong, so incredibly selfish, to not be thankful and happy to be pregnant again after losing Miles.

I wrote a million times to myself about how scared I was. How nothing felt right. I didn’t feel connected like I did with Miles. Maybe my intuition knew something I didn’t.

There are only so many ways to describe pregnancy after loss. The best words I can use to describe the past six weeks: Living in fear of losing your baby and your self 24/7.

I told myself if I got to 14 weeks, I’d feel better.

We booked a trip to Disney for when I would have been about 18 weeks. I told myself how great it would be to be in my second trimester at the happiest place on Earth.

I bought tiny little Detroit Lions onesies because this baby would be born during football season.

I bought maternity clothes and a rainbow woven wrap for my rainbow baby because I refused to believe that I would lose another baby. I was due my rainbow. Our family would finally be complete.

But here I find myself again. Grief stricken. Feeling betrayed by my own body. And feeling so incredibly lonely.

It’s not that I’m alone. But it feels that way sometimes. Especially at night. When sleep doesn’t come but the tears do.

But being pregnant, you’re always with someone. Their little soul sits with you, keeping you company, whispering hopes and dreams, filling you with the future. And now there is only silence.

It’s so incredibly lonely.

My body did this. It didn’t do what it was supposed to do. It was supposed to be growing a baby. Nuturing and protecting and loving. It failed. And I am so very very angry with my body.

And though the physical pain of suffering this miscarriage is real, the emotional pain of it is so much harder. Maybe I didn’t have enough time to heal from Miles, physically or emotionally.

Maybe both losses together is just too much to bear this time. And for that I have to ask for something I hate to ask for…

Help.

Help me remember that I’m not alone. Help me get out of the house when I’m physically better. Help me know it’s ok to cry, but not all the time. Help me remember to eat, not just junk, and to drink water, not just drinks. Help me continue to help others with the groups I volunteer with. Help me remember my body is not my enemy. Help me remember how much I have to be thankful for.

Above all help me remember it’s going to be ok. That one day I won’t feel like every day is just full of sadness. And help to remind me that one day my family will be complete.

Many have helped already. And I know I won’t survive this without Michael, my little girls, my Mom and definitely my sisters.

Leslie, despite being pregnant and not always feeling great herself, never ceases to amaze me with how well she takes care of me.

Lucy practically put together my entire vision for Izzie’s birthday party when I just couldn’t do it all.

Angelica brings me things and hugs me, even when I don’t ask, because she knows I won’t ask and she doesn’t care cause she knows what I need. She’s the best neighbor EVER.

Maha too. Who doesn’t ask either (notice a theme here) but just shows up because she is the kind of friend who just shows up when you need her.

Laura, whose hugs and laughter could warm even the most downtrodden heart.

Robyn, who talked me through some pretty shitty moments on Friday. Who would be here if she could, but still takes good care of me from across the country.

Monica who commiserates with me and knows the way to my heart is through Neil Gaiman books (she seriously gets me so much).

Jen who has been my sister in this terribly pregnancy loss sisterhood and who is always there when I need to chat.

Tara who offered me so much hope and who I continue to pray for and hope that she gets her rainbow.

Klisti and Nicole for showing up with food because that’s what our Tribe does for each other.

And my wonderful amazing sisters who have been through this with me from the very first seconds and whose love and prayers will be with me long after everyone else forgets, Jessi, Meghan, Ashley, Nicole G, Nicole H and Kristy.

My family and my friends are everything to me. More precious then gold. And they have proven their priceless value again and again. I can’t do life without them.

With Baby Boo leaving us, I now have four babies in the stars, and two Earth-side. That is so incredibly sad to me.

Glad the ones that are with me are so incredibly awesome. Cedella and Isora are the reason I want to have another child. They’re that good.

It occurred to me yesterday how many people have children who they don’t want, they don’t mean to have, that they can’t take care of. How many children are just unwanted and unloved. And here we have all of these babies that were wanted and loved and didn’t make it. How incredibly unfair and unjust is that? That’s what I’m wrestling with now. How to justify why this keeps happening to me, to us, to our family. Why us?

And to top it all off, this Saturday marks our 6th wedding anniversary. A day we should be so celebratory and proud of how far we’ve come as a couple, as partners, as co-parents, and here we have nothing but grief and sadness in our hearts.

So here I am, once again asking for grace and prayers and love. And I humbly thank each and every one of you that has sent and will send their love and thoughts to me.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. Thank you for remembering my sweet angel babies.

A Look Back at 2014: Part 2

We’re taking on the second half of 2014 in this post. In case you missed it HERE is the link to my post from yesterday…

In effort to counteract such sadness and to welcome the hope and promise of the year ahead let’s look at some pictures. Cause pictures always make me feel better. And if you don’t already you really should follow me on Instagram @mrseyebrowz. Because I post there way more frequently than here. Also…pictures of Iz sleeping in all manner of weird spots and positions on a regular basis.

JULY – Tracey and me. First we saw The Wailers (yes, Bob Marley’s band) at this year’s Common Ground music festival and then we had the absolute pleasure of watching The Violent Femmes perform the entirety of their first album, first to back. This was an adolescent dream come true for us. We sang along with every single word of every single song. LOVE.
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When we go to Chicago for vacation, we know people. Like our buddies Kennedy and Chase who met us at the Shedd Aquarium for some fun times! Their faces in this picture. I die. IMG_6582
These four minis had an awesome time tearing up the Shedd. IMG_6599
Clearly, Isora was NOT impressed with the crying baby next to us OR the dolphin show. IMG_5433
The coolest thing EVER. We got to pet Stingrays. We loved this park of Shedd. IMG_5453
Such a fun day at the Lincoln Park Zoo with André and Merissa. They showed us a great time in Chicago. IMG_6632
AUGUST – Nothing like having a few friends over to remind us of how awesome our new backyard is. And by a few friends I mean a thousand mosquitoes. They made a meal out of poor Izzie’s face when she spent over two hours playing in the sand box. Clearly it didn’t even phase her. Look at that smile. IMG_6669
That one time when Isora passed out in the car and we brought her into Culver’s and she slept the whole time we ate.
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The Kitty Ear Krew. Merissa bought these Kitty ears for Cedella. And she has rarely taken them off since. Then it became a thing. We wear Kitty ears on Wednesdays. IMG_6841
This is totally MY type of situation. Nah mean?IMG_6857
Me and my girls. Relaxing up north in Tawas having the best ice cream ever. IMG_6858
Up North. On Lake Huron. Fire circle. Grandma Linda’s natural habitat. Love this picture. IMG_5735
At Dinosaur Gardens. Where we always act like complete idiots. I cry with laughter every time I see this. IMG_5819
I’m obsessed with this picture. And this is why I love Lake Huron. It’s wide open beach. Very few people. A whole lotta sand.
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This summer’s trip to Oscoda was just us girls. Memories. Made. IMG_5864
SEPTEMBER – First day of Junior Kindergarten to be precise. The look of pride on her face is just everything.
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Cedella and her absolute BFF Anna. Don’t they suddenly look so old?IMG_6024
Hanging out at the Michigan State Homecoming parade. Go Green!! Go White!! IMG_6065
This is what Izzie does while Ella is at school. Sleeps in weird places. It’s a glamorous life. IMG_7003
This may be my favorite photo of the year. This one Tuesday in September it was super hot and me and my besties Leslie and Nicole and all of our 6 girls piled into the cars and drove out to the beach at Holland State Park for the day. It was SO good. And not long after this picture, like days, me and Nicole found out we were pregnant. And almost a month after this picture Leslie found out she was pregnant. A little bittersweet but still so perfect. I love all of these girls so very much. IMG_7042
OCTOBER – For a birthday gift for me, Tracey and our bro Robbie (all born within 2 weeks of each other in Sept/Oct) I got us tickets to see Neil DeGrasse Tyson speak. We love this man. You know who loves him too? Cedella. She is obsessed with Cosmos and knows his name and was thrilled to join us for this lecture. She even stayed awake for nearly the whole thing. IMG_7164
The Sims Kids (minus 1). We geeked out on this so hard. It was fantastic to be with these two for the night.
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The Coolest Astrophysicist in the Universe. IMG_6072
Mom’s ‘Retirement’ Party. I say ‘retirement’ because she is still working 40 hrs/week. But they threw a lovely party for her at the library and we all came together to celebrate her kind of ‘retiring’.IMG_6179
HALLOWEEN – Padawan Ashoka Tano and Jedi Master Yoda. To say I love their geekiness is an understatement.
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Trick or Treating with Superman and Star Lord on the absolute coldest day of the year. IMG_6309
And the Great Pumpkin Walk with their besties Owl (Mia) and Wolf (Anna). IMG_6285
NOVEMBER – Was. Hard. So very hard. Nicole and Leslie and me. And our bumps. Two days before I lost Miles. This picture is one of my favorites and also the hardest one to look at. 
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We lost Miles the week before Thanksgiving. All of our Canadian cousins drove in to spend a long weekend over Thanksgiving. And though I was absolutely distraught and physically exhausted, family was truly the best medicine for my broken heart. Just look at Ella feeding her sister. They love each other so much. I’m clearly doing something right in that regard. IMG_6356
I just love the relationship these two have. Cedella and her Jiddo John. Always goofing around and playing together. He’s her best buddy.
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Despite how heartbroken in made me to meet these two new little boys in our family, it also brought so much love to my soul to hold them. This is Adam. Cedella is obsessed with him. Look at what a great big cousin she is.
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And with Mila and her new little brother Leo. Cedella also loved Leo. She just loves babies in general. I love these children so much my heart could burst. IMG_6394
DECEMBER – Though I was feeling only slightly human, we had to make Christmas the best ever for our girls. So out to the Christmas tree farm we went. This was our first attempt. There wasn’t a good tree in sight, but Isora had a great nap on my back. Doesn’t she look cozy back there? She woke up and looked around and said “This is the most beautiful place ever. Look at all the Christmas trees!!” Love this kid.

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And the following weekend we made it out to the Peacock Rd Tree Farm. SCORE! Here’s my crazy family getting ready to cut down our beautiful tree. 
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And this one night, after we had the tree all decorated, I was just sitting by myself watching a Christmas favorite when all of a sudden the tree dropped. Like TIMBER in five seconds flat. I didn’t even have enough time to react. And couldn’t get it back up by myself. Enter the Two Drunk Mikes. The figured it out, eventually. It was pretty hilarious to watch. BONUS POINTS if you know what movie I was watching.
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Christmas Cookies with Grandma Becky!! The girls loved every minute. IMG_6578
And finally, Crafts with Santa time at Grandma Linda’s library. The girls have been every single year since they’ve been alive. Except for Cedella puking all over herself on the drive down to Detroit, ruining her fancy dress, and the following stomach bug that all of us (even Grandma and TeTe) suffered, it was SO much fun!
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So other than our 7 Christmas celebrations (that’s a post for another day), this was our year. Looking back on it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Sure we had a lot of heartbreak when we lost Miles but buying a house and another year of watching these amazing girls grow was incredible.

And while I’m not interested in making any actual resolutions for the year, I will say this: 2015…the year for counting my blessings each and every day.

That’s our year. How was your year? Any highlights? Thanks for spending a little time at Babies & Bacon today.

A Look Back at 2014: Part 1

Well to say 2014 was a busy year is an incredible understatement.

We searched for and found our first home.

Cedella started at People’s Church Preschool.

Isora managed to blow us all away with her ability to fall asleep nearly anywhere.

We traveled to Chicago and to the Cottage up north.

After waiting until we were moved and settled in our new home, we got pregnant.

And lost our sweet baby 14 weeks later.

Then we had 7 Christmas celebrations and our home became the Toys R Us graveyard.

It was eventful. Such a great way to begin the year and such a shitty way to end it. So much sadness. And it seemed to be all around us. So many people sick, hurting, suffering and losing loved ones.

In effort to counteract such sadness and to welcome the hope and promise of the year ahead let’s look at some pictures. Cause pictures always make me feel better. And if you don’t already you really should follow me on Instagram @mrseyebrowz. Because I post there way more frequently than here. Also…pictures of Iz sleeping in all manner of weird spots and positions on a regular basis.

WARNING: LOOOOOOTTTTTTSSSSS of pictures ahead. Like 30. So I’m splitting this post up into two parts. Enjoy!! 

JANUARY – This little spitfire sassy pants turned 4 years old and started her new school. She amazes us more every day she’s on this planet. And ::gasp:: she will be 5 in a mere 9 days. I’m gonna need some Kleenex. ASAP.

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And one of the most amazing things about this year? Watching these two grow even closer together. It’s the best.

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FEBRUARY – Me and my girl Kasey decided to throw an all-out Frozen birthday bash for all of our kiddos. It was AWESOME. Here’s Cedella Elsa with Kennedy Elsa and Lexi Elsa.

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And dozens of our favorite friends.

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Cedella had TWO hot dates for Valentine’s. Grandma Becky took her to her first Broadway theater show, Beauty and the Beast.

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And Michael took her to the Daddy Daughter Dance.

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We all got good gifts this Valentine’s. Check out those flowers for me and My Little Ponies for the girls.

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MARCH – I can’t even. They’re holding hands. And El rocked those silly glasses for days!

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Birthday celebration with Grandma Rose! How lucky is Isora to share a bday with her Great Grandma. So. Lucky.

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We had a big old St. Patty’s birthday bash for all our friends at our home. It was crazy and chaotic and FUN!

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And then this happened. March 22nd. We found our Dream Home. Loved it the second we walked in.

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APRIL: Our dear sweet furry baby Kira had to be put to sleep. I’m choking up just looking at this picture. We miss her so much.

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Yep. It snowed in April. It’s Michigan. It does that.

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Cedella in that hat.

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And Isora with these headphones on. Such hipster kids.

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MAY: We got the keys and moved into our new home!! So we bought the biggest bed we could find at IKEA. It is Heaven.

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Keys to our Kingdom.

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First morning cup of coffee in our new home.

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First night we slept in our new home. Once we slept here that first night, we never slept at the old house again. It was just Home.

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JUNE: This one day we ran around Detroit with TeTe, hitting up Eastern Market, Belle Isle and the Heidelberg Project.

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Then we watched my BABY sister graduate from High School. Yep that’s Kylara. She’s 19 now. I’m so old…

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And the best part about June? Our besties moved into a new home in the same city. As if they weren’t already, these four girls are now totally inseparable.

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And while she has always passed out wherever she happened to be, we started noticing Isora sleeping in the craziest places in the new house.

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July through December coming tomorrow!! Want more? Never want to miss an update? SUBSCRIBE ———> over there, at the very top of the page just below ‘Contact Me’. Enter your email address to receive all the latest Babies & Bacon updates right to your inbox.